Doing things for the right reason – are you having fun yet?
Yesterday was an odd day. After a couple of mixed days of health, I finally was feeling well enough to try something I love doing – kiteboarding.
Fearing I would not be ok, or something might go wrong, I booked a safety lesson to get me re-oriented and ensure I could take things slowly and not get overwhelmed.
I’ll jump to the end. It was fine. I managed to get out on the water and ride. I was exhausted, but I did it.
What’s odd is that afterward I was really depressed. The opposite of what I’d expected. I’d hoped that getting out of my head, and doing something physical and fun would bring me joy.
I called and spoke with one of my medical team and she teased out of me what the issue was…
Consciously or unconsciously I’m continually measuring myself to see how I’m doing. I’m testing myself, checking what is possible as I try to find my path to recover. It’s often a frustrating up, down and mostly sideways path at the moment and so I look for anything that can make feel good about myself.
I had gone out there to prove to myself I *could* kitesurf again after my surgery.
I had not gone out there to just enjoy myself.
I’m going to try again when I want to do it purely for fun, to play, not try.
Are you having fun yet? Maybe start by just playing at something.
